"Torque Affair" (torqueaffair)
12/23/2015 at 13:17 • Filed to: DRIVING IN INDIA
5
30|
"Torque Affair" (torqueaffair)
12/23/2015 at 13:17 • Filed to: DRIVING IN INDIA | 5
| 30 |
Driving a car on Indian roads is like being in a bumper car surrounded by three year-olds in other bumper cars who are coming at you from all different directions. You spend most of your time praying that you won’t hit anyone although accidents are inevitable.
In India, there is no such thing as a car that’s in perfect condition – most of them are banged up and subsequently patched up to look like this.
Traffic in India is a kind of organized chaos. It’s astounding that anyone ever gets to their destination in one piece but somehow it all works. To those of us who witness this madness by being a brave passenger chauffeured around by an expert Indian driver, it appears as though a god-like level of skill is required to maneuver through the crowded roads. It’s ideal if you’re blessed with Lebron James-like reflexes so that you can avoid running into the guy in front of you who randomly decides to stop in the middle of the road to make sure he has enough cash in his wallet for a night out on the town.
The randomness you encounter on Indian roads is primarily generated from the fact that you’re not only driving among cars, but you’re also in the midst of bicycles, wandering humans, animals, and random objects that you’ll find like a stray seat cushion. Your goal, in getting from point A to point B, is to dodge all of these obstacles.
If you think having a driver’s license in the United States of America provides you enough ability to drive on the roads in a city like Kolkata, India, then you are mistaken. It takes a totally different kind of thinking – like a survivor kind of mentality: “by god, I will get through this alive in one piece, no matter what it takes.”
You must change your mindset.
What You Need To Know To Drive In India
The concept of mirrors is so foreign to Indian drivers, that if you utter the word “balchooism”, you’ll get the same kind of bewildered reaction as you would mentioning the phrase “rear view mirror.” Rear view mirror? What does that mean? There’s a mirror in the back seat?
While driving a car in India, forget that the mirrors even exist. In fact, rip the side view mirrors right off your doors.
Also, don’t worry about blind spots or looking around you to get a sense of your surroundings. Not only is it unnecessary, it can also be a bad thing.
Here is how driving works in India.
First, scan the area in front of you. Do you see an empty area? If you do, rejoice. In a place like India, where “empty areas” are extremely hard to come by, if you find one, it’s like getting a fortune cookie with a note that says “ You’ll be rich ” instead of “ Watch out for low flying birds. ”
Now, point your steering wheel towards that direction.
Then floor it so that you can occupy that empty space as quickly as possible before someone else takes it.
During your acceleration, be prepared to slam on the brakes at any time, since there is a 99.99% chance that someone or some thing will magically appear right in front of you.
That’s it! That’s all you need to know to drive in India. If you repeat the above steps in sequential order over and over again, you will eventually get to your destination. Driving in India can be best summed up as detecting and occupying open spots.
Awareness Of Your Car’s Dimensions
Because roads and streets are so crowded, you have to be keenly aware of the dimensions of your car. That’s because you’re not going to have the luxury to leave lots of room between yourself and the cars around you. If you leave any kind of a gap that’s greater than a quarter of an inch, someone will try to squeeze in there.
Lanes, What Lanes?
There may be lane markings somewhere on the roads but they don’t really matter. They are there, in case you feel like staying in a lane, but ultimately it is optional. Basically, you can do whatever you want.
Feel like roaming around from one side of the road to the other? Do it . Feel like driving exactly in the middle of a wide open road with two lanes? Do it!
Want to stop in middle for the road to text “Sup” to your buddy? DO IT!!
Traffic Lights?
There are traffic lights, but like lane markings, you can choose to abide by them if you wish to do so. Traffic lights exist for decorative purposes - mainly to add some nice flashing colors at night. Most people try to follow them if there are cops around, but generally outside of business hours, you don’t have to care about them. Nights and weekends are a free for all.
Run through red lights..stop at green lights..hang out in an intersection - relive your childhood. Feel what it’s like to be young again.
Isn’t driving in India great?
If the police does end up stopping you for running a red light - no big deal. Just buy them pizza and they will let you go. If that doesn’t work, throw in a Kit-Kat bar. That will most certainly ensure that you can get away with murder.
Using your horn
Honk strategically but use it abundantly.
In India, you’ll hear lots of honking and you will immediately start thinking: what’s wrong with you people? Stop honking!
What you don’t realize is that honking in India has many different purposes, just like WD40. For example, in the same way you might use WD40 to remove that pesky stain off your window, you can use your horn to let someone know that they have a hole in their shirt.
Here are a few things you can convey by honking your horn.
Tell people to move out of the way
Alert people of your existence
Use it to express your anger
Let someone know you don’t like his face
When driving your car in India, the car horn becomes an extension of yourself. Just like the way you give people disapproving glares, or acknowledge someone’s kindness, the copious use of your horn is another way to express yourself.
Honk if you want people to know how delicious your sandwich was that you just had for lunch.
Using Your High Beams
Sometimes when you’re driving in India, you will encounter so many flashing lights that if they weren’t plain ol’ white lights, you would think that you were surrounded by emergency vehicles. Using your high beams is basically the same as honking - it’s about expressing who you are.
Strategically combine flashing your lights and honking to let people know what your innermost feelings are: although you’re generally a happy person, some days you wake up feeling sad and want to go right back to bed.
Signaling
Using your turn signals doesn’t mean: “Hey, I want to turn, can you let me in?” It means: “I’m going to do this no matter what, so you better move out of my way.”
In the picture below, there is someone on a motorcycle on the left who will be turning all the way to the right. You’ll also see a person in car to the right (next to the yellow cab) who is determined to make that left turn...and there will be no stopping them. You can try to block them all you want but they will run into you and then gangs will come out of nowhere to beat you to a pulp.
Which brings me to my final point...
Whatever you do, do not hit anyone!
Safety is not the problem here. You’re driving at a slower pace than walking (approximately 0.5 mph) and so a slight tap in this case will cause no injury or damage whatsoever. The scary part, here, is the aftermath. As soon as there is a wreck of any kind, no matter how insignificant it is, people will run across the street, jump out of nearby bushes and run out of their offices to show up - not check on you to see if you’re ok - instead, they will come up to you so that they can scream in your face and try to get a punch in. The crowd around you will multiply faster than anything you’ve witnessed before: two people, then four, then twenty... aaahhh, what’s happening??
Within minutes you will be in the middle of a flurry of activity with enough yelling and screaming to blow out your eardrums. No one will have a clue as to whose side they’re on. People will be denting in your car and will get into fights with each other and soon, you might find an opportunity to run away when you realize it’s not about you anymore. At this point, just let the mobs tear each other’s hair out.
So you see, you really don’t want to get into an accident in India. Or drive, for that matter. It’s just not worth it.
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!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! is about exploring my fascination with cars; I’m always on the lookout for things that interest me in the car world.
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Urambo Tauro
> Torque Affair
12/23/2015 at 13:30 |
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d15b
> Urambo Tauro
12/23/2015 at 13:33 |
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Your post could be said for a majority of S.E. Asian countries. Excellent!
vicali
> Torque Affair
12/23/2015 at 13:39 |
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Our friends daughter went to India with her friends for a family wedding last year, they were in the convoy on the highway and ended up getting in a 40 car pileup during a rainstorm.. She was separated from her friends and ended up in a hospital with her cell phone- that’s it. Didn’t speak the language, didn’t know where anyone else from the wedding was, 20 year old Canadian in the hospital somewhere in India.. After some frantic phone calls they found her and got her wallet and documents together, Mom visa’d a plane ticket and a few days later she was home.
Wedding was nice though.
Jack Does Cars
> Torque Affair
12/23/2015 at 13:41 |
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I’m actually going to India next year, and I will be driving a Mahindra Scorpio, so I’m glad that I know what driving there is actually like. Cool.
jariten1781
> Torque Affair
12/23/2015 at 13:42 |
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I thankfully never had to drive there, but I did have to cross a busy street. My friends direction was: “Don’t look, just walk. Don’t stop walking or you will die”.
I am not a ghost.
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Torque Affair
> jariten1781
12/23/2015 at 20:08 |
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hah, yea that’s definitely one of the unwritten rules to follow. It is scary for sure
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Torque Affair
> Jack Does Cars
12/23/2015 at 20:10 |
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Nice! Those feel enormous comparatively since most cars are tiny in India. It’ll feel like a Hummer!
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Torque Affair
> vicali
12/23/2015 at 20:11 |
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Man, that sounds crazy! Unfortunately with the insane traffic emergency vehicles take forever to get to the location of an accident - sometimes its faster to use your own personal vehicle to transport patients!
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Jack Does Cars
> Torque Affair
12/23/2015 at 20:59 |
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I’ll be driving that, a Maruti 800 (because India), a Renault aka Dacia Duster, and hopefully a Hindustan Ambassador.
Tapas
> Torque Affair
12/23/2015 at 21:04 |
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I’ve lived in India most my life and then moved to the States and other places.
When I visit India after getting used to driving in the States, I realized that people drive like absolute cunts in my country (And its really mostly a people problem).
I know people outside India are really fascinated by how it all works and its really cool/scary/exciting when you just visit a country like that. But when you live there after seeing how people should drive, it’s really enraging and escapes logic.
Like the incessant honking - the only reason a person would slow down or stop is because there’s something in his way that’s out of his/her control. How will honking or flashing your high beams change that?
And that’s exactly why I wouldn’t buy a nice car there even if I could afford it. Because I know some idiot on a bicycle/bike will try to pass me a little too closely and scratch the entire side of the car.
The concept of driving calmly and shutting the fuck up? I don’t think it will ever catch on lol
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Tapas
> jariten1781
12/23/2015 at 21:17 |
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Yea....its even better when you look the drivers directly in the eye as you cross. See their expressions as they frantically speed up (to scare you into not crossing or pass by you before you cross) and transition into anger/defeat when they are forced to hit the brakes to let you pass, as they finally realize they can’t run you over.
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Torque Affair
> Tapas
12/23/2015 at 23:13 |
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What’s crazy is that nothing’s changed about driving in India! everything’s still the same and it’s gotten worse!
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Torque Affair
> Jack Does Cars
12/23/2015 at 23:13 |
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Drive an older Ambassador with no power steering and is a workout in itself!
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Jack Does Cars
> Torque Affair
12/23/2015 at 23:34 |
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The one I might drive is from 2003, so it’ll have power steering. We’re going to a two day long wedding with Indian friends of ours, and they’re close with the deputy mayor of the town we’re staying in, and he has an Ambassador.
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Tapas
> Torque Affair
12/24/2015 at 00:40 |
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Yep.
I’ve met many well-spoken, sharp and educated people. But after they drive me, I form a different opinion of them.
B_dol
> Torque Affair
12/28/2015 at 13:58 |
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Nice write-up. I just spent two weeks there like most of India, best to take it in stride and just enjoy. Wild place, backwards in a lot of ways.
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Torque Affair
> B_dol
12/28/2015 at 15:19 |
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Awesome - where’d you go?
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B_dol
> Torque Affair
12/28/2015 at 17:15 |
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I spent 5 days in Bangalore, 3 in Jaipur, and 3 in Delhi with a day-trip to Agra. I’ll probably go back in another 3-5 years and try Goa and Kashmir.
Really enjoyed Jaipur, best of the cultural old world feel in a small town without too much modern bs. Northern food is excellent as always but I missed some of the southern items (dosa).
Jugstopper
> Torque Affair
01/17/2016 at 23:41 |
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I have driven a good bit in Costa Rica over the last 28 years. It’s not quite as crazy as it once was, but I have decided that there are two rules of driving there: (1) If you can pass, you
must
pass; (2) If you can’t pass, you must
try to pass anyhow!
rockympls
> Torque Affair
01/18/2016 at 10:05 |
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I was in Bangalore a couple of years ago. I don’t think you could have paid me any amount of money to drive there. It’s sheer insanity. And I’m guessing most cities in India are the same way — the infrastructure is from ancient times, and was barely sufficient to handle the light oxcart traffic it was initially designed for. Now, try jamming millions of cars on those potholed, narrow streets. Good luck. The hilarious thing is that I was staying near both a Ferrari and Lamborghini dealership. I don’t think either of those car companies make a vehicle that would last 30 seconds on those roads.
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rockympls
> jariten1781
01/18/2016 at 10:06 |
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And also, don’t run. For some reason, you just have to walk.
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Torque Affair
> rockympls
01/18/2016 at 10:15 |
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I haven’t seen a Ferrari or Lambo in India but I can’t imagine where you could drive it in India. I imagine they mostly stay parked in the garages of those that can afford one.
Hooperdink
> Torque Affair
01/18/2016 at 10:42 |
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Most of the points sound like driving in Boston.
Psycold
> Torque Affair
01/18/2016 at 15:20 |
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Jesus, that sounds like a scene from The Walking Dead.
kitchenaire
> Jack Does Cars
01/19/2016 at 00:23 |
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You could hire a car and driver for cheap. And driving in India isn’t nearly that bad as this article said. I’ve done it and its fine. If you’ve spent your whole life in rural Montana it’ll seem nuts but not otherwise.
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Jack Does Cars
> kitchenaire
01/19/2016 at 08:50 |
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k thx
Chayan4400
> Torque Affair
01/20/2016 at 05:42 |
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I was waiting for someone to write up about India. Truly one of a kind place to drive! Curious about the last part though: In my experience (Which is limited to being ferried around in Delhi and Srinagar) Indians treat driving like a game of bumper cars; we were hit, bumped or scraped numerous times on the way to Agra, and we just kept on going. Is this just a one-off experience or has driving got worse since 2012?
On an unrelated note, you can be sure you aren’t the only one who has to put up with shoddy driving. Here in Sri Lanka it’s extremely bad too (Though not as crazy as India).
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Torque Affair
> Chayan4400
01/20/2016 at 06:43 |
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I was in Kolkata, so this could be more of a thing in Delhi? In Kolkata, even a slight scrape would result in people losing their minds.
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Chayan4400
> Torque Affair
01/20/2016 at 09:39 |
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Might be. Indian roads blow my mind; I took these pics on the way to Agra:
Very efficient use of space!
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Torque Affair
> Chayan4400
01/20/2016 at 19:26 |
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I was in Vietnam a few years back and I saw 6 people on a motorcycle!